The Last Mistake Gets Remembered Loudest. Why We As Penn State Fans Need To Move On

Two minutes were left in the game that until this point had been one of the best games I had ever seen in person.  Both teams left everything out on the field.  The home team underdog was seemingly buoyed by one the loudest, most energetic crowds in the history of sports.  As Penn State came to the line of scrimmage, Ohio State calls a timeout, followed by Penn State calling one.

Then it happens so suddenly.  It's a draw play, Sanders gets tackled in the backfield, and all of a sudden this incredible game is over, and Penn State has lost.

The pain that every player, fan, and coach felt at that moment was real and identical.  That we felt like we had made just enough plays and that it was unfair. 

That we deserved to win that game. 
The last play, for it not to be in the hands of a player who, to this point, was the biggest reason for our offensive success, left everyone wanting more.  It felt wrong.

That last moment feels incredibly more important than all the others because it happens last, and for that reason it becomes overly magnified as the sole reason for a win or a loss.  There is no guarantee that if Penn State gets a first down, that in the next few plays they will win the game.  The likelihood obviously goes up, but again, a kick could be missed, or blocked, or a turnover such as a fumble or interception could still occur. 

This is a case of recency bias and it's important to acknowledge that while on its own, the call and outcome was far from what was desired, it was also just one part of a game that had several important plays go in the other direction.

No one has brought up the drop on the out pattern on a crucial third down, or the fumble at the end of the first half, or a missed field goal.  Or the overthrows, or sacks.  The plays that also contributed heavily towards the result. 

The missed tackles in the open field, the inability to consistently stop the run, getting gashed late into the game.

It all counts.

You almost can't remember the positives.  The one handed grab, the 50 yard scramble.  The stop on 4th down.  The interception.  The way the team prayed for their fallen teammate and celebrated together as they scored one last time in the fourth quarter, seeming to have gotten up enough to relax just a little bit.

It all played a role in what was really a very close back and forth game.

But we still seem to focus on that bitter, bitter end. 

It has probably, miraculously, made you forget about a well intentioned, but horrible, half-time show that had the Penn State theater group attempt to use microphones to add a vocal component to the blue band.  It didn't work.

I bring this up because I don't want to lose sight of the positives that have taken us this far.  I truly believe that this community's sports programs have done so well the last few years because of how we encourage one another, and we don't allow the negative energy of a loss, even one as devastatingly hurtful as Ohio State, bring us down.

That anger and divisiveness that stems from the frustrations of not winning two years in a row by a total of two points.  That feeling of wanting to assign blame for your frustrations.  It can be a feeling that can tear weaker teams apart. 

In this community for the past seven or so years, we have always responded with more positive emotions rather than bad ones.  We trust each other a little more instead of a little less.  We help each other a little more rather than a little less.  To make it blunt, at the times when we could say "We no longer care about this person or that thing because we don't like something" we instead choose an attitude that says "Let's get better, let's help one another."

Undoubtedly, I was not a fan of the last play call either.  But I refuse to let that moment of disappointment define how I feel about the players or the coaching staff that has time and time again brought the best out of each other and the community. 

Instead, it's time to move on to seeing what the team can do against Michigan State, and how we as fans get to look forward to an early October homecoming weekend.

In The City of Brotherly Love, My Little Sister Gets Married.

9/14/18

As we arrived in downtown Philadelphia, my mind was focusing on the cramps in my foot.  I didn't think I was particularly dehydrated or tense, but suddenly as brake lights lit up and the echoes of engines filled the tunnel, my deliberate jab in my right foot turned into a prolonged stretch.

I couldn't tell my wife, who sat by my side, anything of my predicament due to the fact that I knew this would cause rise in her already visible anxiety; her jaw locked into a vision that screamed of cautious tension.

Thankfully the traffic was manageable, even if a bit slow at times, and we arrived at the valet area of the hotel. 

This being the first time being valeted, I was a bit unsure of how everything was to go. I handed the gentleman my keys and they loaded all of our bags onto the luggage cart.  My wife was quick to note that they were all Jess Simpson bags, a fashion brand and celebrity that she adores more than what doctors might say is a healthy amount.

The view from the 1106

As we walked into the elevator hallway and check-in station, it became apparent that this hotel was, quite simply, one of the best in the heart of Philadelphia.  It would also become clear that if we touched anything in the mini-bar fridge it was going to cost us at least 20 bucks.  The silver and black marbled walls gave the impression that this would be someplace to stay if you were a somebody, and not for the budget conscious.

The weekend had finally arrived where my little sister, Sarah, would be getting married. 

My sister, who came into the world 4 years after me, has always been someone that I've been taught to and had an instinct to protect.  From an early age it became clear that she had a bit of a sense of adventure, a willingness to challenge others, and an independent streak that led her to do things that might agitate others.

As we grew older, we had a bit of a small sibling rivalry.  I was an introvert, who loved to stay at home when I wasn't participating in sports.  I loved video games, books, movies and anything that took me away from my immediate reality.  My sister on the other hand, loved to explore the world and make it her own.  She rode horses, excelled in school, and enjoyed socializing and meeting people.

To me, Sarah was overly conscious of people's perceptions of her and how people might perceive me.  Where as, I cared about comfort in my clothing, baggy pants and shirts that allowed me to move that may have been less flattering; she would look for brands and styles that complimented her.

I remember playing catch with her when I was maybe a junior or senior, and she was playing softball. The two of us were throwing the ball, gradually harder and harder until we lost control of our respective accuracy and had to start chasing the ball, rather than fielding laser shots into our hands.

We were in many ways very different personalities. 

However we also recognize that in some ways we are exactly the same.

We were raised by the same family.  Not just our mother and father, but aunts, uncles and grandparents.  Our cousins were the same.  So we, on some level, were shaped by the same culture.  We both value laughter and jokes.  I'd say that on the whole, we have the same sort of humor that goes between high and low brows. 

We both understand our parents, perhaps as well as they understand themselves, and look out for both of them whenever we can.

But back to the Wedding Weekend.

After arriving and checking out the view from our 11th floor room at the Loews Hotel, my dad invited us to go to a little place called Moriarty's, which in addition to having my grandmother's maiden name, was also an Irish pub known for its buffalo style wings that were served with the drum and flat pieces attached.  While my dad thought they might be ranked as one of the top wings in the Country (they do appear on Thrillist.com), I thought they were a solid buffalo wing but nothing crazy.  My wife, however loved their cheesesteak egg roll, and they had a good variety of draft beers.  It was a great way to get cozy in a city th
is large by getting some of the simple things.

Wings and beer are a good start

After that we walked back to the hotel, put on our semi-formal clothes for the rehearsal dinner that would be happening at the Front Street Cafe in the Fishtown neighborhood of Philadelphia.  As we contacted our respective Ubers we became aware that my sister's Uber had actually hit a cyclist and they might be a little late.  This immodestly reminded me of my last Uber experience in the city when a man driving with an oversized cowboy hat and one arm barely got my friends and I to a Red Hot Chili Pepper concert in one piece.  Thankfully, as in my case, it seemed no one was seriously injured and Sarah and her fiance Ryan were OK and arrived maybe ten minutes after we did. 

Speaking of music, my memory became jogged as I found out that the cafe was literally across the street from Kung-Fu Necktie, a little bar known for live music and where on of my own best friends/ groomsman from my wedding saw a live G-Eazy show before he became the major artist that he is today. 

From there we drank exotic cocktails like maple whiskey sours, ja

The soon to be married couple

lapeno margaritas, and an assortment of craft beers.

As more and more people came through, I recognized some of the bridal party, but for the most part, stayed back with my wife trying to let the party, on some level, come to me and to enjoy everything going on.

As we eventually sat for dinner, Ryan, my sisters soon to be husband made a toast to family, for that is what the event was all about.  He talked about how he was nervous to meet our family, because if we were anything like Sarah, we might be a bunch of high energy, meticulous go-getters that wouldn't allow him to relax.  I especially enjoyed the misconception of myself, a former Penn State football player being a meathead, which to my knowledge, I am not. 

And so the night played on and eventually we Ubered back to the hotel, went to bed, and looked forward to the next day.  The wedding day.


9/15/18

I didn't want to mess anything up.  I wanted the day to go perfectly, fully aware that was impossible.  As someone who got married two years ago, and as someone who is aware that the real world is so full of variables that it is nearly impossible to bend the world to your will.

We started the day early heading to what might be the best breakfast place that I have ever been to, outdoing even the famed Waffle Shop, called Green Eggs Cafe. All of the options on the menu seemed appetizing to me, from their Pumpkin Spiced Bombon,  the six different ways to have eggs Benedict (the short-rib version really had my attention), as well as creme brulee and cookie dough stuffed versions of french toast.

I settled on the "The Kitchen Sink", which involved three scrambled eggs, Gruyere cheese, a pork sausage gravy poured on top of peppers, potatoes and sausage.  Needless to say it was filling and full of comfort food flavor. 

A very delicious skillet

From there we thought we'd walk over to a few different shops, milling about before we got the bridal parties' lunch catered by a local deli and bakery.  Through it all it got me to thinking about what it means for me as a big brother, to see Sarah in this light, as someone who has found someone else to trust so absolutely and to help her through the rest of her life, as well as someone she would be willing to do the same for.

As we walked, I took in the old and the new of the city.  Philadelphia is one our country's oldest cities, was at a time its largest, and for a time it was the Capitol of America.  It is without question one of America's greatest cities in terms of historical narrative, culture, and economic impact.  It is not without flaws.  As with many densely populated areas there are defects, flaws within the metropolis that are just as evident as its beauty.

It occurred to me that my little sister getting married at this moment was in someways a reflection of those aspects.  She had grown so much from when we were little, from being a curious, independent girl to a complex, strident and confidant woman.  Like the city that has flourished through the perils of the world, so has she.

I always have spoken highly of my sister whenever anyone asks me about her.  I speak of her will, her ability to exist in fast paced, demanding environments.  Her unflinching, and sometimes unbearably blunt ability to speak honestly.  That she aspires to continue to grow and become a better person in whichever way she is able.

It filled me with pride. 

Here she was about to go forward with her life one more time and take a chance, and I was thrilled to be a part of it.

Sarah had asked that I look the part and get myself a custom suit so that I looked good and fit in to what was sure to be a beautiful wedding.  The buses would be late and we waited down in the lobby catching cocktails and drinks as we waited for our ride.  It was a nice opportunity to practice my Mad Men look and drink something brown on the rocks, trying to pretend for the day that I was somebody of immense importance. 

We looked the part!

I have to say the suit looked great, and I was happy to feature "Philly Special" embroidered on the inside of the jacket.  While I'm certainly more comfortable in simple clothes and t-shirts, there is something to looking your best for the day so that you can catch the eye of somebody else, (in my case, my own wife who looked beautiful in her blush colored dress.). 

As we got off the bus, they began asking for me right away as I was to be given instructions regarding my reading during the ceremony.  It was obvious the planners and everyone on staff were on top of their games.  The small classical band on the side was playing some low key numbers as we took our seats in one of the oldest gardens along the east coast. 

The ceremony was beautiful, and I remember that I just kept smiling, that I couldn't be happier except for my own wedding day.  As I watched them read their vows I couldn't help but think about how lucky we all were on that day to experience something like this.  A family united in their feelings of love and support.

Ryan, the groom of this equation is also not without some mention.  Throughout the process his personality and clear care for my sister never wavered.  In some ways I find his temperament and approach to life similar to my own.  He's everything, from a brother's perspective, that you'd want to see in someone who is taking the vow to spend the rest of their life with a family member.  Someone who is caring, honest, and supportive.

As the night progressed we danced and ate and did all the traditional things that happens at weddings.  The cake, the booze, the dancing.  It was as a wedding should be.

I did happen to make one mistake though.  I was not aware that there was a videographer and that the camera being used was not taking still pictures of a moment that I was photo bombing, but rather a long extended video. 

For this I am incredibly sorry.  It was a magical moment to see my sister so happy with her life.  It's something that I'm sure every sibling can attest to, when they see their family truly happy.  My apologies if I put a small flaw on something that was so perfect.

Baney's gonna Baney

We traveled back to our hotel where I changed from my suit to shorts and a T-Shirt as we entered a nightlife spot around the corner.  We drank some bud lights, and I'm pretty sure I made an unfortunate choice to buy a round of tequila.  Someone snagged a quick picture of Sarah and I as we chomped on a few delicious bites of a Margarita pie. 

It seemed like a fitting close to the day, where in the end, the simplicity of pizza can show how two unlike people can still be so similar. 

9/16/18

The weekend wrapped up the next day after a delicious brunch in the hotel lobby.  I was not feeling particularly great after the last rounds of tequila, but so it goes. 

We talked about the highlights of the wedding, some of our trivial problems and a smidgen about the Penn State football program which never seems to be too far from our tongues. 

All in all the wedding was a huge success and a lot of fun.  It felt like an adventure in Philadelphia, where we came together to celebrate all that is good in the world.  I'll always treasure the memory and whenever I go back to the city, the term "brotherly love" will always mean a little more to me.

Dominate The State: Why tonight's game will be great to watch.

Tonight is going to be a great game between Pitt and Penn State, but not for the reasons you might think. 

Yes the game will feature your standard football excitement, hard hits, long pass plays, controversial call and no calls and the like. 

But it will also feature two teams who really can't stand each other.

The crux of the talk is something like this.  The one school is the little brother of the other, and while one school has a seemingly mountain worth of prestige and money, the other little school has also had it's claim to fame for periods of time.

It was heightened by small words and phrases such as "Dominate The State" or "No different than beating Akron".

In all the is a real competitive dislike between the two schools.  No it's not the competition or tradition of say Ohio State vs. Michigan, but the level of dislike is almost certainly as real. 

This typically results in a very intense game with an inordinate amount of physicality and speed.  A level of near recklessness from the players playing as hard as they possibly can for as long as they possibly can.

And that is what really makes for good television. 

We don't watch sports solely to watch an outcome that we think will be decided.  We watch to see two team display maximum effort and to do so with unbridled joy for the game that they're playing. 

At 8 PM tonight all of Pennsylvania will likely be watching ABC as the Nittany Lions take on the Panthers for the 99th time under the lights.  The stats will line up and through it all the Nittanly Lions hold virtually every historical and statistical edge. 

But that won't matter for tonight. 

Because tonight will feel like a near National Championship type feel to the home team.  They will feel like they get their chance one last time to show they aren't just a little brother program.  How will the Lion respond if that is the case?

I expect they will show more the same character that they've always shown through the past however many years.  Unlike past teams, the current incarnation and vision of the Nittany Lions do not seem to care at all about what outsiders think and remained committed to playing their style and brand of football.  One that is a true team and fights through adversity.

I expect tonight's game to be one of true intensity through the first three quarters, only to see Penn State pull away late in the 4th.

Execution, tackling, and sense of composure will be key for the Nittany Lions to prevail, otherwise, Pitt may just steal this game and pull off what Appalachian State could not.



Final Score prediction

Penn State 34
Pittsburgh 24

New To Me. Discoveries Along The Spotify Algorythms.

Every week if you're a Spotify user, Spotify will try and find new music for you based on the things that you've listened to and liked.  I typically listen through the whole playlist at least once per week and on occasion find some things that I think are worth another listen or two.  They belong at the very least on a playlist for someone or some event. 

So I'm just gonna share some of my thoughts on some of the better tracks that got introduced to me via the system.  Odds are you haven't heard these songs either but if you're taste in music is anything like mine, I think they're worth a listen.


Little Silver Cross by White Reaper.
Genre:  Alt Rock

A steady pushed tempo with what I some punk rock vocals and riffs.  This song stood out as something I would hear while watching a skate board video and driving down a coast line.  This was the first song that my ears perked up and said, "Oh I haven't heard this, but I like it."

Change Coming-Layup 
Genre: Alternative, electronic

I immediately got caught up in the unique vocals from Chris Henderson but for me it was a bit too repetitive as far as both musically and lyrically.  Still Henderson has a unique talent and sound that makes me want to listen to more of his other band Bronze Radio Return

Humming Bird by Wildling
Genre:  Americana Pop (If that's a thing.  Think Walk the Moon or Moon Taxi)

I think a great song to end the Summer with, in the same vain as Walk The Moon's Anna Sun or whichever version of Boys of Summer, you like to enjoy (I'm partial to the Atari's version).  It's a song about enjoying a Summer love, and then having that love seemingly dashed.  However it's got a great sing along chorus that I think speaks to that rebellious summer chase.

"Stay a little bit
Take a hit
While the sun's out
Baby, it was sweet, you and me, chasing flowers
Don't think that I've forgotten
You're all I've ever wanted"

Set On Fire by MAGIC GIANT
Genre: Electric Pop Folk

I initially liked this song, but the more I listen to it the more I disliked it.  It feels somewhat like a copycat of Mumford and the americana electric pop rock scene.  It's not all together bad, but after a second listen it feels just a bit too much for me.  That said, it's catchy enough that it might become a small radio hit.

The Dog Is Mine by K-OSGenre: Blues, Rock.

Nice solid groove song.  It feels like something a modern day cowboy might enter a saloon to.  The use of voice alteration is a bit overused, but it still adds a bit of attitude to this song.  K-OS is more known for his rapping skills, but this is really a rock song through and through. 

Figuring It Out by SWMRS
Genre: Punk

The sounds of pop punk and alternative rock surround this song about alienated youth.  One can't help but think about Good Charlotte's The Anthem, or The Offspring's The Kid's Aren't Alright.  Still it might push a little too hard with it's "whoa ohh" chorus that get's amped up maybe just too much in the early parts of the song.

Be My Fire by The Blue Stones

Genre: Blues Rock

Few bands have struck me as much as The Blue Stones.  Sure they are following the model of a color and a random thing singing blues rock (The White Stripes/The Black Keys).  I will say that this particular song comes alive with all the essentials.  It has deep enough percussion and bass that you can feel it bounce when the dial is at a 6. The song builds and builds until reaches a face melting crescendo at the end.

Humble by Scary Pockets and Mia Dyson
Genre: Novelty Covers

Ok, the song is originally by Kendrick Lamar certainly has it's own sound, but this cover is such a fantastic take on the song that it holds up on it's own.  Something about the words coming from a female perspective gives the words almost more weight. 

Start It Up by Dry Reef
Genre: Reggae

A nice slow rhythm that goes well with Palm Tree's and vacations.  Would also fit well with entertaining guests for dinner.  Very easy to listen to and relaxing, fits well into the background. 

Bitch, Baby by Pet Fangs
Genre:  Alternative Pop

At first I thought this was TV On The Radio, but instead it's the relatively new pop/rock group Pet Fangs.  With influences including Prince and David Bowie, you can count on this song to take you to a certain 'space' feel, as though the sounds are literally not from this world.

Good Thoughts by Frank Jaeger
Genre: Hip Hop

Hip-Hop isn't as prevalent on my Spotify Discover as alternative or rock is, but thankfully it's still there.  This song was the only one on my list, but it's a good one.  A very chill track that has its heart in the sounds of New York or Chicago.  It has an almost cold weather feel to it, that as we say goodbye to maybe the sounds of summer we are entering a new season.

In The Chase. The sensations of running.

Sweat drips like a waterfall and I'm breathing heavily.  I'm trying to escape the pressures of the world and the demons in my mind.  I'm running away from them and toward my dreams.  Toward my goals.  With each step I feel them loosening their grip on me, breaking forward and exploring new places in the world.  Finding out what else I'm capable of. 

I'm older now, and I'm aware that I used to be able to run longer and faster.  Still, I can't stop myself from trying to get back to that place.  The one where I kept running for me, because it gave me the confidence to be myself.  I'm running up and down hills, near small houses and large.  I run through the farmlands, I run on the pavement of the streets and sidewalks.  I keep pushing myself, keep driving my legs and body forward and onward.  I don't want to give up because I don't want to stay still.  I need to continue moving in the right direction and doing the things that make me happy, and this is one of them.

I don't always run, but I find that running opens me up the most.  When I feel my lungs burst and my legs churn with every step, I feel something primal, as though it was something I was always meant to do in some capacity.

However to get to this apex of emotional feeling, you must endure some stress, and perhaps in some context, some pain. 

To start a run for me, requires a good bit of energy.  I don't wake up spry, feeling like I can take on the day.  I wake up, and either want coffee or to go back to bed. 

My warm up usually includes me listening to some kind of song that I've hooked on to that excites me and pacing madly around the house looking for my ear buds that I probably misplaced from the night before.  A little stretching so that I don't pull or twist anything, and then I'm off.  Usually the paths are familiar, but every now and then I like to put in a little twist to extend the run or to explore another part of the area. 

I've gotten in the habit of mapping and saving the runs to my smartphone to give me feedback.  This helps me with judging my pace and whether I can reasonably pick it up, as well as monitor how often I've run in the past few weeks or months.  It will be pretty interesting to see where all the numbers lie as the year progresses and things such as snow and the elements begin to have an effect. 

When I run, my mind wanders back and forth about things.  About my life in general, back to the road in front of me and everywhere in-between.  Sometimes I don't think at all and just listen to whatever is playing on my headphones, losing myself in the rhythms and words of Eminem or The Record Company or whatever else is inspiring me for the day.

In the middle of the run, or sometimes near the end, I imagine that I'm being chased, maybe by a dog or a person.  Every now and then I'm more creative and think it might be a mountain lion that springs out from the woods or a bear.  It helps to keep me pressing on the pace and to realize that I may have more in my tank.

There's something about the completion of a run that seems to set me up though for the rest of the day.  A feeling that I've somehow already beaten my toughest physical task and that from here on out everything will be a simple mental test of can you do it or not.

For others it might be time spent in the gym, lifting weights or doing yoga, and I've tried nearly all of them, but the simplicity of running just appeals to me more.  I feel like I'm moving almost with the Earth itself, becoming part of the world around me rather than a feeling of being stationary and unable to move.

In life, sometimes that's what it feels like the most.  This inability to move from one situation to another, as though you're stuck in mud and something is holding you back.  While I run, it feels like I'm constantly breaking those chains and getting out of the muck.  It's a sense of freedom that is unlike anything else.

The Affair, Birthday's and Chicken Carbonara

Like many couples, my wife and I watch certain shows together.  One of them happening to be "The Affair," which centers on the destructive power of trust being tarnished while giving the perspective of the character in the chapter. 

For example, from Noah's perspective in the show he is a misunderstood hero character.  Someone who is looking out for others while at the same time attempting to be the best father or companion he can be. 

For me this is kind of how I'll approach this article.  Written from my perspective about my lovely wife's birthday.




Part 1.  (of 1)

Ben.


It really all started at Wegmans, where Ben would wander section to section for each individual ingredient.  He didn't really know exactly where each item would be, and in fact the only basil he could find came as a full-on potted plant.

He bought a plant.

He fumbled his way getting the parsley leaves, wanting to not pay the $1.49 per bushel, he attempted to pull some out, put it in the bag and then weigh the item to see if he could pay less.

He couldn't.  The only price available for the parsley was for the entire bushel.  This meant he had to try and discard his prematurely stolen parsley, and not wanting to waste it, threw it with the small bag back behind the other bushels. 

He was pretty sure no one saw him, except for whatever poor soul had to watch security tapes from the store.

On he went through the store picking out each ingredient he read off from his phone.  The chicken, the eggs, the heavy whipping cream (He took 5 minutes to google the difference between heavy cream, half and half, and heavy whipping cream).  Ben would eventually settle on the Upstate brand of whipping cream after careful cost and flavor considerations.

Upon exiting the grocery store, he had a few more stops to make.  One being to the local jeweler to buy his wife something pretty. 

Ben had never been one for attempting to make the world around him beautiful.  He really barely knew how to dress himself in any kind of fashionable way, instead, relying on the work uniform, the advice of others, and an ability to stay away from daily social interaction to keep the myth that he understood what looked good or bad.

Buying jewelry was again, not exactly something he was good at.  So he improvised, giving a budget and attempting to relay his goal to saleswoman.  Something simple that would remind her of him, and he of this fun, fulfilling, and personal day.

When he arrived home, Ben began the cooking process as best he knew how.  He prepped the ingredients as similarly as he could to the Blue Apron dishes he and his wife had gotten in the mail from time to time.

Blue Apron would be proud

Needless to say at this particular juncture he was quite pleased with his efforts.  It all seemed so neat and orderly, as though he was on his way to a successful dish with minimal hassle (save for finding the ingredients in the first place). 

He then realized he had forgotten about the chicken, and his wife would be home soon.

While panic wasn't exactly striking him, a bit of unease and self-doubt certainly began to poke its head around the corner.

Quickly, he put the chicken in the oven to "roast" so that he could later shred and put in the pot.

The problem seemed to be the timing of it all.  For all the prep work he had previously done, he had failed to preheat the oven, and now time was ticking away.

Thankfully there was an antidote to that. 

For most people in general, after a day's work, and especially on your birthday you would probably want your vice.  Like the vast majority of the world, Allie enjoys a glass of wine after work.  For others, maybe a nice beer or a martini, or maybe you live in the free states like Colorado and California and like to light up some ganja. 

In any case, this birthday meant she would be able to enjoy one her simplest and most guilty pleasures: boxed Franzia wine. 

Yes, Ben could have bought a bottle of something else, but the reality has become clear to both of them that we can't detect a very discernible difference in most chilled wines.  A Pinot Grigio or "Crisp White" blend from Franzia is going to be at least as good as a 15-25 dollar bottle of whatever random California, South American, or Western European wine.  This obviously excludes Dr. Konstantine Frank's Gewurztraminer.  (That is a white wine that I simply find out of this world with spice and flavor.)

A teacher's kryptonite

When she finally gets home, she walks through the door and she is all smiles.  Seemingly not a care in the world and so happy to be home.  The feeling is completely mutual.  They both feel all the pressures of the world just fade away.  Here they are, home. They feel at peace, and nothing can hurt them. 

They embrace for seconds, but it feels like days.  Kisses and the typical couple talk ensues, and eventually time and place comes back into the fold.

Ben springs for the wine glass, pausing briefly in mid-stride to ask if she actually wanted the wine. 

She's enthusiastic and buoyant with a proclamation of "Yes!"

The chicken comes out, but Ben feels it's still underdone.  He shreds the chicken as best he can, then puts the chicken back into the oven and lowers the heat on the pancetta that he had started.  The recipe called for the pancetta to slightly cool anyway while the water for the pasta boiled. 

In a large bowl, Ben whisked together some of the prepared ingredients.  He added slightly more pasta then the original recipe asked for and was hopeful that a slight adjustment for some of the other ingredients would be enough. 

Once the chicken was cooked a bit more thoroughly, Ben combined the chicken and the pancetta, thoroughly mixing the two together and cooking on a medium to low heat.  Then he poured the pasta on top, then the cream sauce, mixing it all together and becoming increasingly confident that the meal being created would be one of the best he had ever made.

A goober unnecessarily
confident about his cooking

From there dinner would be served the way that all meals are served.  With a bit of garnish and flair so that when captured for a short Snapchat or Facebook post, it would make other people respond with a bit to share in that happiness.

But Ben, for what seemed like the first time in a long time, felt aware that there would be more to this story than just a quick little picture.  So he decided to take many pictures of the process, and then write about it.

What was making this day wasn't one moment in particular, it wasn't one thing.  It was the multitude of steps and moments strung together to make that delicious meal.  Every thing moving as if connected on a string.  It started with a trip to Wegmans, then as the moment hits about how special this day is going to be, to really stay in the moment and live it.  To remember how it feels to celebrate the birthday of a loved one.

From there it becomes a journey and at the end you arrive at a place that's so unapologetically happy that you can't hide it.  That it'll make you want to take pictures of your food and share them with others.  To enjoying a night watching a fictional show that exploits the viewpoints of others to tell its stories.  Ben felt that he had helped to make this birthday a successful one.

When you're so happy you just
want to take pictures of food.

Getting back in the habit. A moment to reflect on who I've been, and who I want to be.

Who are you going to be?

Who is the person that you see in the mirror and is it the person that you envision yourself to be when people ask who you are? 

The ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle said "We are what we do.  Excellence then is not an act but a habit."

I have tried to make my habits productive ones.  I have tried to exercise on a near daily basis.  I have tried to write at the same level.  I have tried to serve others in a positive way.  Indeed my profession in the hospitality industry demands that I look out for others first and to be as selfless as possible.

Over the past year I have found that it's been difficult to focus on those things as the world around me has changed dramatically.

It started with the election of Donald Trump as President.  A man whom I detest at the very core of my being.  A man who I believe to be beneath the office of President and simply looks out for his own well-being and has little interest in the plight of others.

Soon after his election, my grandmother died of cancer.  

The values that my grandmother instilled in me were the opposite of what Trump has stood for.

She cared about the environment, about giving and helping those less fortunate, and perhaps most importantly about treating all people with dignity and respect.

She ate healthy, was physically active and came from a line of genetics that suggested that she may live well into her 100's.

The fact that cancer came into her life and stole those remaining years came as such a shock to our family that I still don't know that we've reconciled with.

As time passed a sense of determination, and maybe even anger, started to take hold of me.  I did not want anything to do with those that embody the selfish virtues that were being espoused by Trump.  I found him and his ilk to be the antithesis of what my grandmother stood for.

At every turn I looked to stamp out the selfish impulses that I saw in my workplace and attempted to guide those who would look to satisfy their own wants and needs to think of others first.

But I found that my attempts to shed light on the self-centered actions of others was not well received.  Instead, I was now seen as a pariah, a holier than thou outcast that existed now on the outside of a culture rather than the core.

I have never been one that would conform to the outside pressures of the world.  I have always done what I thought was best at the time, even at times to my own detriment.  

I promised my grandmother that I would write everyday.  That I would read something everyday.  That I would do something physically active everyday.

As of now I have failed on those promises, and on some level I knew I was going to fail.  The idea of writing, reading, and working out all the time seemed doable, but as time passed it was far easier to watch Netflix and play games after work.  

I would become distracted by the news of the day that inevitably involved the leader of this country doing something else that I disagreed with.  Another mass shooting that seemed intrinsically sad because we continue to refuse to address gun violence; the continued bias against minorities by law enforcement.

It all continues to add up, and I had begun to feel as though my attempts to influence the world in a positive way had little impact.

It is time for me to get back to the person I was prior to the election of Trump.  Get back to the writing, the exercise, and an undaunted pursuit of excellence within my field.  

In many ways I've been headed back in that direction the past few months, writing and exercising with more regularity.  

I feel good, as though the future that I desire is right in front of me for the taking.

Socrates once said "The greatest way to live with honor is to be what we pretend to be."

I interpret that to mean to be the people that we say we are.  We all to some degree try to project an image of some sort.  However, as human as we are, we sometimes fail to achieve to "be" that image.

For me, I'm hoping that I can continue to take the steps necessary to be that man of excellence that habitually does the things that I want to do.

To me it starts with whatever the first thing you do in morning might be.  Did you start in motion or did it take you a while to warm up?  For myself, it seems better that I start my day with a chore, exercise, or something that get's me going that I really don't want to do. 

The more I procrastinate, the more stress I seem to create for myself.  Even if I begin the day with a light 10 minute's worth of stretching, I feel as though that helps get my body ready to move and remain active through the day.

When I write, like this article here, I need to be less critical of myself and trust that I have something interesting to say.  I have long lamented how many article's I've written and not submitted simply due to fear of how it might be received, or weakness in grammar or spelling. 

I need to trust that process and submit the work out there.  This process feels like the one I need to work on the most. 

Finally, I need to relax about when I don't do the right thing.  My habit's won't be perfect to start, and there are going to be times when the reality of the world might interfere with getting certain things done that I had set out to do. 

If I can do these things, I believe that I can get back to the version of myself that wasn't as concerned with the thing's that I can't control, and give me more control over the things that I can.