The Affair, Birthday's and Chicken Carbonara

Like many couples, my wife and I watch certain shows together.  One of them happening to be "The Affair," which centers on the destructive power of trust being tarnished while giving the perspective of the character in the chapter. 

For example, from Noah's perspective in the show he is a misunderstood hero character.  Someone who is looking out for others while at the same time attempting to be the best father or companion he can be. 

For me this is kind of how I'll approach this article.  Written from my perspective about my lovely wife's birthday.




Part 1.  (of 1)

Ben.


It really all started at Wegmans, where Ben would wander section to section for each individual ingredient.  He didn't really know exactly where each item would be, and in fact the only basil he could find came as a full-on potted plant.

He bought a plant.

He fumbled his way getting the parsley leaves, wanting to not pay the $1.49 per bushel, he attempted to pull some out, put it in the bag and then weigh the item to see if he could pay less.

He couldn't.  The only price available for the parsley was for the entire bushel.  This meant he had to try and discard his prematurely stolen parsley, and not wanting to waste it, threw it with the small bag back behind the other bushels. 

He was pretty sure no one saw him, except for whatever poor soul had to watch security tapes from the store.

On he went through the store picking out each ingredient he read off from his phone.  The chicken, the eggs, the heavy whipping cream (He took 5 minutes to google the difference between heavy cream, half and half, and heavy whipping cream).  Ben would eventually settle on the Upstate brand of whipping cream after careful cost and flavor considerations.

Upon exiting the grocery store, he had a few more stops to make.  One being to the local jeweler to buy his wife something pretty. 

Ben had never been one for attempting to make the world around him beautiful.  He really barely knew how to dress himself in any kind of fashionable way, instead, relying on the work uniform, the advice of others, and an ability to stay away from daily social interaction to keep the myth that he understood what looked good or bad.

Buying jewelry was again, not exactly something he was good at.  So he improvised, giving a budget and attempting to relay his goal to saleswoman.  Something simple that would remind her of him, and he of this fun, fulfilling, and personal day.

When he arrived home, Ben began the cooking process as best he knew how.  He prepped the ingredients as similarly as he could to the Blue Apron dishes he and his wife had gotten in the mail from time to time.

Blue Apron would be proud

Needless to say at this particular juncture he was quite pleased with his efforts.  It all seemed so neat and orderly, as though he was on his way to a successful dish with minimal hassle (save for finding the ingredients in the first place). 

He then realized he had forgotten about the chicken, and his wife would be home soon.

While panic wasn't exactly striking him, a bit of unease and self-doubt certainly began to poke its head around the corner.

Quickly, he put the chicken in the oven to "roast" so that he could later shred and put in the pot.

The problem seemed to be the timing of it all.  For all the prep work he had previously done, he had failed to preheat the oven, and now time was ticking away.

Thankfully there was an antidote to that. 

For most people in general, after a day's work, and especially on your birthday you would probably want your vice.  Like the vast majority of the world, Allie enjoys a glass of wine after work.  For others, maybe a nice beer or a martini, or maybe you live in the free states like Colorado and California and like to light up some ganja. 

In any case, this birthday meant she would be able to enjoy one her simplest and most guilty pleasures: boxed Franzia wine. 

Yes, Ben could have bought a bottle of something else, but the reality has become clear to both of them that we can't detect a very discernible difference in most chilled wines.  A Pinot Grigio or "Crisp White" blend from Franzia is going to be at least as good as a 15-25 dollar bottle of whatever random California, South American, or Western European wine.  This obviously excludes Dr. Konstantine Frank's Gewurztraminer.  (That is a white wine that I simply find out of this world with spice and flavor.)

A teacher's kryptonite

When she finally gets home, she walks through the door and she is all smiles.  Seemingly not a care in the world and so happy to be home.  The feeling is completely mutual.  They both feel all the pressures of the world just fade away.  Here they are, home. They feel at peace, and nothing can hurt them. 

They embrace for seconds, but it feels like days.  Kisses and the typical couple talk ensues, and eventually time and place comes back into the fold.

Ben springs for the wine glass, pausing briefly in mid-stride to ask if she actually wanted the wine. 

She's enthusiastic and buoyant with a proclamation of "Yes!"

The chicken comes out, but Ben feels it's still underdone.  He shreds the chicken as best he can, then puts the chicken back into the oven and lowers the heat on the pancetta that he had started.  The recipe called for the pancetta to slightly cool anyway while the water for the pasta boiled. 

In a large bowl, Ben whisked together some of the prepared ingredients.  He added slightly more pasta then the original recipe asked for and was hopeful that a slight adjustment for some of the other ingredients would be enough. 

Once the chicken was cooked a bit more thoroughly, Ben combined the chicken and the pancetta, thoroughly mixing the two together and cooking on a medium to low heat.  Then he poured the pasta on top, then the cream sauce, mixing it all together and becoming increasingly confident that the meal being created would be one of the best he had ever made.

A goober unnecessarily
confident about his cooking

From there dinner would be served the way that all meals are served.  With a bit of garnish and flair so that when captured for a short Snapchat or Facebook post, it would make other people respond with a bit to share in that happiness.

But Ben, for what seemed like the first time in a long time, felt aware that there would be more to this story than just a quick little picture.  So he decided to take many pictures of the process, and then write about it.

What was making this day wasn't one moment in particular, it wasn't one thing.  It was the multitude of steps and moments strung together to make that delicious meal.  Every thing moving as if connected on a string.  It started with a trip to Wegmans, then as the moment hits about how special this day is going to be, to really stay in the moment and live it.  To remember how it feels to celebrate the birthday of a loved one.

From there it becomes a journey and at the end you arrive at a place that's so unapologetically happy that you can't hide it.  That it'll make you want to take pictures of your food and share them with others.  To enjoying a night watching a fictional show that exploits the viewpoints of others to tell its stories.  Ben felt that he had helped to make this birthday a successful one.

When you're so happy you just
want to take pictures of food.

Getting back in the habit. A moment to reflect on who I've been, and who I want to be.

Who are you going to be?

Who is the person that you see in the mirror and is it the person that you envision yourself to be when people ask who you are? 

The ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle said "We are what we do.  Excellence then is not an act but a habit."

I have tried to make my habits productive ones.  I have tried to exercise on a near daily basis.  I have tried to write at the same level.  I have tried to serve others in a positive way.  Indeed my profession in the hospitality industry demands that I look out for others first and to be as selfless as possible.

Over the past year I have found that it's been difficult to focus on those things as the world around me has changed dramatically.

It started with the election of Donald Trump as President.  A man whom I detest at the very core of my being.  A man who I believe to be beneath the office of President and simply looks out for his own well-being and has little interest in the plight of others.

Soon after his election, my grandmother died of cancer.  

The values that my grandmother instilled in me were the opposite of what Trump has stood for.

She cared about the environment, about giving and helping those less fortunate, and perhaps most importantly about treating all people with dignity and respect.

She ate healthy, was physically active and came from a line of genetics that suggested that she may live well into her 100's.

The fact that cancer came into her life and stole those remaining years came as such a shock to our family that I still don't know that we've reconciled with.

As time passed a sense of determination, and maybe even anger, started to take hold of me.  I did not want anything to do with those that embody the selfish virtues that were being espoused by Trump.  I found him and his ilk to be the antithesis of what my grandmother stood for.

At every turn I looked to stamp out the selfish impulses that I saw in my workplace and attempted to guide those who would look to satisfy their own wants and needs to think of others first.

But I found that my attempts to shed light on the self-centered actions of others was not well received.  Instead, I was now seen as a pariah, a holier than thou outcast that existed now on the outside of a culture rather than the core.

I have never been one that would conform to the outside pressures of the world.  I have always done what I thought was best at the time, even at times to my own detriment.  

I promised my grandmother that I would write everyday.  That I would read something everyday.  That I would do something physically active everyday.

As of now I have failed on those promises, and on some level I knew I was going to fail.  The idea of writing, reading, and working out all the time seemed doable, but as time passed it was far easier to watch Netflix and play games after work.  

I would become distracted by the news of the day that inevitably involved the leader of this country doing something else that I disagreed with.  Another mass shooting that seemed intrinsically sad because we continue to refuse to address gun violence; the continued bias against minorities by law enforcement.

It all continues to add up, and I had begun to feel as though my attempts to influence the world in a positive way had little impact.

It is time for me to get back to the person I was prior to the election of Trump.  Get back to the writing, the exercise, and an undaunted pursuit of excellence within my field.  

In many ways I've been headed back in that direction the past few months, writing and exercising with more regularity.  

I feel good, as though the future that I desire is right in front of me for the taking.

Socrates once said "The greatest way to live with honor is to be what we pretend to be."

I interpret that to mean to be the people that we say we are.  We all to some degree try to project an image of some sort.  However, as human as we are, we sometimes fail to achieve to "be" that image.

For me, I'm hoping that I can continue to take the steps necessary to be that man of excellence that habitually does the things that I want to do.

To me it starts with whatever the first thing you do in morning might be.  Did you start in motion or did it take you a while to warm up?  For myself, it seems better that I start my day with a chore, exercise, or something that get's me going that I really don't want to do. 

The more I procrastinate, the more stress I seem to create for myself.  Even if I begin the day with a light 10 minute's worth of stretching, I feel as though that helps get my body ready to move and remain active through the day.

When I write, like this article here, I need to be less critical of myself and trust that I have something interesting to say.  I have long lamented how many article's I've written and not submitted simply due to fear of how it might be received, or weakness in grammar or spelling. 

I need to trust that process and submit the work out there.  This process feels like the one I need to work on the most. 

Finally, I need to relax about when I don't do the right thing.  My habit's won't be perfect to start, and there are going to be times when the reality of the world might interfere with getting certain things done that I had set out to do. 

If I can do these things, I believe that I can get back to the version of myself that wasn't as concerned with the thing's that I can't control, and give me more control over the things that I can.

Stop Hitting Kids. A Confession From An Ex-Bully.

I'm about to move into a new home, hopefully, at the end of the month.  My wife and I are in the process of deciding what to throw out, donate, keep, or sell.  My parents, going through some things they had kept for me, had stumbled upon a box full of second grade materials. 

Second grade was my worst grade.  I was bigger than most everyone in my class already.  I stood out as a kid that could have passed for a grade or two older in a hurry.  On top of which, I had a short attention span, a proclivity for attention seeking at inopportune times, and an enjoyment of all things in macho American culture.  GI Joe's, Pro Wrestling, Ninja Turtles, Transformers, and everything else a boy born in 1984 might like. 

As I read my report cards my mind jogs back to a time I had mostly forgotten.  A time where I sucked at being a kid.  I don't know why it happened anymore.  I don't know if  it was in response to teases and insecurities.  If it was some sort of cry for help and attention.  But for whatever reason, I could not control my behavior and impulses.  I would push kids, hit them, poke them, and generally be a pretty terrible second grader from what I read on my report cards.  It's all there, it's all in the cards, and in the reports.

My stomach turns thinking about it.  Just admitting it racks me with guilt and shame.

But over time, things would become better.  I had support from adults in the form doctors and therapists.  I would have support from teachers, counselors, coaches and other parents.  My behavior would change dramatically over the next 20 some years, and not because of violence enacted against me, but because of discussion, thoughtfulness, and a community that looked out for one another.

Then, a week or so later I would see this video, which I'm sure is about to go viral for so many reasons, but not the least of which is how some Americans can still view hitting children they perceive to be misbehaving as acceptable. 

I don't know all of the details about the following clip.

This is a short snippet and there could certainly be more to this story than at first glance.  It was first posted to my knowledge on June 3, 2018.

The kid makes mention that the older man talked about his mother, which if true, is a terrible thing for an adult to do, and would absolutely makes sense why a kid might begin to act that way.  (Because, honestly, otherwise the whole scene seems really odd.)

The excuse that a child was "messing" with cars and was just being a problem as a reason to act like that adult did is also troublesome.  The fact that the man could not disengage and get another adult to assist speaks volumes to his own lack of development.

That said, it becomes obvious that the kid needs help, and a lot of it.  That violence shown by the adult will probably teach nothing but that violence is effective against those weaker than you.  Rather than using violence, more discipline and resources should be used to get the kid help to rehabilitate.

From those types of lessons in my past, I learned to use my strength and disciplined  myself in athletics to the point of being walk-on as a Division 1 athlete and become a college grad.  I am now happily married, on the verge of home ownership and have held a steady job and been promoted to management.  That was not what my path looked like when I was young.

If my early behavior was dealt with return violence or neglect from my parents or the school system,  my guess is that I'd continue on a more violent and delinquent path.  If I was given a belt or a spanking rather than counseling sessions or a psychologist I think that I would learn only that violence rules in this world, and that ideas, thoughts and words were for the weak.

However that's not what I learned.

I learned that true strength comes from your character and how you act.  That stoicism and thought matter more than emotion and brawn. 

If your first instinct is to be angry with the child and not the adults around the child who can't function and deal with the kid in any kind of responsible manner then shame on you.  Adults should be better than this.  Our system should know about this kid and try to help him learn about control and discipline.  It shouldn't take Facebook to try and help identify this kid and get him help.

Maybe his parents share some of the blame, but it still doesn't mean the rest of society can turn a blind eye.  It's up to us as human beings to help those kids that are having problems early in their life.  That become physical or become malcontent or full of rage.  NONE of the adults in the video try to calm the kid down or do anything to try and deescalate whatever the issue might be.  Instead they videotape and do nothing and by the end leave a kid to himself, with no one offering to help in any real way.

Some of the comments I've heard regarding this video on others posts and the original post are about how the kid is a brat and deserved a whooping, a spanking.  That he faked the call and was just being a cry baby and got what he deserved.  That violence is what will cure a kid that is so full of rage and anger.  That the physical punishment will be the cure to the perceived bullying.  Or maybe neglect and let him find out for himself later in life. 

That is not just propaganda (although I'm sure some is), that is how some real people that I know, think.

I cannot buy that.  I think we owe that kid our support in trying to become a peaceful citizen.  Because if we don't; if we only teach violence and cast him aside, I believe there is a higher likelihood that he will become a hindrance and negative impact to society.  That if we turn our backs to the problems in the world that they will grow worse, not better.

I wonder, if that kid continues to go through life without help or guidance but rather, only fistfights and screaming matches, would it surprise anyone to find out later he became a man of violence?  One that beat women, or got in fights at the bar?  Maybe becomes an alcoholic or drug abuser? 

Because to me it wouldn't shock me in the slightest.

On The Verge Of Taking the Next Step...Again

Penn State's history in Men's basketball is well documented.  A program that at times has seen some success, has had some terrific young men represent the program, but a program that has seemingly never been able to get over the hump.  Always seemingly 2 or 3 players away from becoming a true contender on the national scene.

I believe that their time as a mid level program is coming to a close and that we are about to ascend to the point where they will begin to contend and win time in and time out against other top flight programs across the Country.

I believe that Patrick Chambers has established a culture that he can replicate and win with.  His players focused on teamwork, effort, and sacrifice to create a winning culture.

When I watch Penn State basketball these days, I am struck by the athleticism and skill that is on the floor most nights.  Tony Carr is a legitimate NBA prospect right now, and if he develops, could even be a top 10 pick down the road.  Lamar Stevens, Mike Watkins, and Josh Reaves have great athleticism and size to defend multiple positions as well as provide impact around the rim.  Wheeler comes off the bench and creates havoc defensively and provides ball handling while giving Carr a breather.

But the two people who have put us over the top have been Shep Garner and Julian Moore.  Their roles are seemingly minor, but to me, when those two play well, the rest of the team's energy seems to sky rocket.

In the game against Mississippi State, Shep's 3-point barrage deflated the opposition and seemed to keep his teammates engaged in such a way to maintain everyone's focus and get the team's best.  During a game against Ohio State at home, Julian Moore came in to relieve the highly regarded Watkins and during one possession blocked two shots.  The crowd roared with approval and the atmosphere turned electric.

Basketball can easily become a sport about the few, about individuals, and less about the team.  Certainly individual talent can shine brightly on this stage.  But the best teams always seem to have players that excel even with limited rolls.  Penn State has shown a willingness to accept those roles and play them as well as they possibly can.

If these Nittany Lions come out against Utah tonight and play as well as they have for the past two months, I feel pretty confident in saying, not only that they'll win, but there is a strong chance that even without Tony Carr, the habits they've built and continue to build will help turn them into a NCAA tournament team come next year.

This Penn State team has been fun to watch for their determination, for their skill and athleticism, but most of all for how they appear to be a true team.  One that relies on themselves as well as others.  Tonight, win or lose, Penn State fans should feel good about how those kids have played the game and how the coaches have grown the program and culture.

"Tearing At the Seams" by Nathaniel Rateliff & The Nightsweats.

Nathanniel Rateliff sounds old.   He sounds like he was teleported from a time where Creedence Clearwater, Van Morrison, and the soulful sounds of rhythm and blues took control of the airwaves.

Coming off viral national hits like I Need Never Get Old and S.O.B.  Rateliff's commercial expectations are a little bit more raised and in this album he mostly delivers a sound that is both recognizable in its roots as well as giving his own distinct flair.  Sometimes his voice becomes a bit muffled or hidden by the raucous horns, but never to the point that you can't enjoy, musically, the sound of the record.

If you're expecting a faster rock record and more of the same from their 2016 self titled album's hits you may be a bit disappointed.  Rateliff instead takes a measured approach to tell his blues filled stories.  That's not to say the tracks lack passion or that there aren't some tracks that carry some crossover pop weight, just that nothing works up to frenetic pace that his last two big hits had.

Overall I found the album enjoyable, but only three tracks really jumped out, with everything else being solid.


1. - Shoe Boot

The album opens with a slow stroll, with the sound of the keyboard, the horns as Rateliff creates a scene of open confidence if a bit uncertain as to where that confidence may lead.  While it's not big on rhymes and words, it does showcase the heart and soul musically of what the album is.  It gives the feel of an almost rebel seduction.

Said you can't find no water
Said you can't find your feet
Maybe it's turned the corner
Or maybe it's not for me

If you had a lover,
Would you bring them back to me?
I can't find you honey
But I want you to dance with me

Meet me by the corner, I know a place to go
Or maybe we'll love each other
Or maybe I don't know

Meet me by the corner, I know a place to go
Or maybe we'll love each other
Or maybe I don't know

2. - Be There

The second track opens with the banging of drums and chords that make you feel good and kind of want to clap and sing along.  Makes for a solid "Car Song" to drive to and seems destined to be used in a movie starring George Clooney

You start looking mean
Need something to ruin
Carved out your name
Not enough for you

I remember when
There was nothing to take your mind off it
I know all the ways
To act like a fool
I needed you

In other words, other ways
I want you to be there for me
In other words, other ways
I want you to be there for me

You think that you can
I take up so much room
It's the best I can bend
To try to make some space for two

It spins around us in
A direction to come unwind
While I needed you
It was never a choice of mine

In other words, other ways
I want you to be there for me
In other words, other ways
I want you to be there for me

Ain't it hard enough for me to ask
Well, it takes all of me

In other words, in other ways
I want you to be there for me
In other words, other ways
I want you to be there for me
In other words, in other ways
I want you to be there for me

3. - A Little Honey

A smooth song that seems on some level easy to get lost in.  It touches on the blues and loneliness being without that touch of sweetness.  Easy to listen to, simple and sweet.

I need you baby
More than you'll ever, ever know
What keeps you waiting?
Let's take our time just moving slow

I'm so lonely, feeling heavy love
You're just so far from where I want you now

Come on now, baby
You speak so soft and low
Come on now, baby
You think that I don't know
I need some honey
Come on now, baby

What if I told you
That there's a fight on every corner
They'll keep you wavering
Until you've reached some modern low
It's not just lazy
There's just some things you're never told

It can't be this heavy love
We'll have to wear our fears so everyone
Can see it too

Come on now, baby
You speak so soft and low
Come on now, baby
You think that I don't know
I need some honey
Come on now, baby

4. - Say It Louder

This is the point where I had difficulty sticking with the album, as this track felt to slow for me from the last one.  It's not a bad song, mind you.  Simple song that would go fine to dance to in the moonlight or dance to at your local bar when it's closing down.

One of these days, I'm gonna take mine back
I fell forever just to watch the slack
All of the days of working in the sun
My hands remind me of every hole I dug

I said, hey, I'm all cried out
Hey, I'm all tired out
You'll climb out
When you're finding your own way

I'll say it louder, say it clear
I'll say it louder, say it clear
I'll say it louder, say it clear
I'll say it louder, say it clear
They say sometimes
What you need is exactly what you fear

One of these days, I'll take it on my way
One of these nights, I'll leave it somewhere babe
Talk of days and night and what you want
You say forever, then it's way too long
I said hey, hey baby
The night's turned to dawn and we're standing
In the shadows baby
Where we turn to face the sun

I'll say it louder, say it clear
I'll say it louder, say it clear
I'll say it louder, say it clear
I'll say it louder, say it clear

I said, hey, I'm all cried out
Hey, I'm all tired out
And you'll climb out
When you're finding your way

I'll say it louder, say it clear
I'll say it louder, say it clear
I'll say it louder, say it clear
I'll say it louder, say it clear
They say sometimes
What you need is exactly what you fear

5. - Hey Mama (State Pick)


A slower track, but one that certainly resonates with me in terms of subject matter.  In this track and story, a young man comes home complaining of the weight of the world.  His mom on the other hand, while not saying that his plight isn't real, tells him that there is still a long way to go, that he still hasn't lived or run long enough to feel the positive things in life.  That those things will come as he continues to push through his plight.

Hey mama, it's me
Said you better wait child
Said you've been a long time running

Hey mama, answer me
Baby boy you better sit down
Can't listen when the sun's out
My only son this will be so hard to hear

C'mon mama what do you mean
I know you've been knocked down
I know it ain't all been easy
Nothing ever good really is

Why you gotta wait so long
Why you gotta wait so long

But she said son
Let me reason with you
You think you carry such a weight
I know I never beat you boy
Better start acting like
This here's a race

You ain't gone far enough to say
At least I tried

You ain't worked hard enough to say
Well I've done mine

You ain't run far enough to say
My legs have failed

You ain't gone far enough
You ain't worked hard enough
You ain't run far enough to say
It ain't gonna get any better

You picked a bad time
You picked a bad time to listen to me
You picked a bad time
You picked a bad time to listen to me
You picked a bad time
You picked a bad time to listen to me
You picked a bad time
You picked a bad time to listen to me

You ain't gone far enough to say
At least I tried

You ain't worked hard enough to say
Well I've done mine

You ain't run far enough to say
My legs have failed

You ain't gone far enough
You ain't worked hard enough
You ain't run far enough to say
It ain't gonna get any better

6. - Babe I Know

If you are going to make a blues record, then this is one of the songs that needs to be on it.  It gives the feeling of almost a lonely Winter of Christmas sound.  This regret that seems to haunt him but unable to actually give voice to it.

Babe I know it swirls around me
Like the sun shines on the coast
Like a weathered, torn, once sturdy barn
I used to give you shelter and warmth

It's clear, I can see
The dry grass at my feet
As we wait to go, if you don't come home I'll just say
"Baby I know"

Babe I know
Baby I know
The course has drifted here
As we swim to land, mouths full of the sand, just say
"Baby I know"

I'm all tired and my throat's so dry
I feel I'm barely holding on
I'm gonna sit around here with this abscessed fear and say
"Baby I know"

Now there's something that I want that I'll never be
Burned out full of love
Now sometimes I lay here half awake
And say, "baby I know"
Now sometimes I lay here half awake
And say, "baby I know"

7. - Intro
 A sorely needed pick me up to the album, this "Intro" is an energetic spring to jolt the album back to life.

Well we got the whole night left to lose and
There's nothing I'd rather doing
Baby just to be so close to you

Tell me that you want me
Tell me that you need me
Tell me that you love me
Tell me that there's nothing around here baby
This part of town to get crazy
Acting the fool and being lazy

8. - Coolin' Out (State Pick)
 
A fun song that speaks to a sense of being carefree and seems to break away from the rigidity and stress that can exist in the world.  A fun up and down bass line, the female background singers and keyboards really help accentuate a song that really puts the album back into a bit of an upbeat mood.

I've been coolin' out, baby
Now I might be fool enough, maybe
And now I wanna hear you say it
Say that love ain't enough to carry
Now it might be that I'm bein' swayed in a lie

Are you standing in the shadows or standing in the waves?
The heat's got you dizzy and you're red in the face
Warm summer breeze, but it's cold at my place
I feel the rhythm and you're on the chase

I said, baby, come on
We'll be dancin' and havin' fun
Tell your mama that you're leavin' home
And your friends are gonna come along

And I've been coolin' out, baby
And I hope to hear you say it
Baby, it's not broke, not mendin'
And you can't always catch it, baby

Line me a hook, sing me a song
Find me crooked, broken and wrong
I found myself in the way

I said, baby, come on
We'll be dancin' and havin' fun
Tell your mama that you're leavin' home
And your friends are gonna come along
We'll be coolin' and carryin' on

I've been coolin' out, baby...

9. - Baby I Lost My Way, (But I'm Going Home)


If I might, this song can't help but musically remind me of "Love Potion No. 9" as well as a generic spy thriller.  This song also, in my view, suffers a bit from the music overpowering Rateliff's voice so profoundly.  It's OK, but I feel like it's not as essential to the album as some as the other tracks.

Now the weight I know
And the weight I've seen
You look tired and worn
You were almost beat
Now the weight I found
Woah, baby I lost my way but I'm going home

I've been stumbling down the mountain
I've been stumbling by the sea
I've been stumbling in the dust
I can't taste it on my teeth
But the weight I know, baby I lost my way but I'm going home

Been pushing through a crowd on an empty street
Everything that you worked for but still can't see
Baby take it from someone who knows, I'm trying hard just to get back home
Only thing, honey, that I need is your arms around me

Now the love I found, how it weighs on me
Are you tired and worn or maybe I can't see?
Baby don't let go
Oh, baby I lost my way but I'm going home

10. - You Worry Me (State Pick)

A haunting electric guitar smacks the scene to get your attention as well as a quick but measured pace.  As Rateliff then comes in to tell the story of attempting to help a friend and loved one so that they can become happy.  That while he may exist in a positive place, he isn't immune to seeing someone he cares about struggling.  It fills an emotional depth of caring for someone that is struggling in such a simple but humanizing way, all the while giving a confidence that the problems can be over come. 

I'm alright today
You gonna find a way to cross and you gonna get there

And I'm on fire today
Ain't no water here to calm or even put me out

I'll find a better way
Am I crazy or the wind is gonna blow me down?

I'm gonna leave it all out there to dry
I'm gonna leave it all out there
I'm gonna leave it all out there to dry up
I'm gonna leave it all out thereYou seem tired today
Were you up all night afraid of what the future might bring?

I feel fine today
I had dreams of you in places I've not seen before

You get so carried away
Like lovers new to bodies first to touch you here

This ain't a getaway
You build walls around your heart to try to lock it in
I'm gonna leave it all out there to dry
I'm gonna leave it all out there
I'm gonna leave it all out there to dry up
I'm gonna leave it all out thereAnd upon the wind it's carried
Over the cities and the plains
You got time you're on the mend babe
And everybody wants the same
Everybody wants the same thing

I'm gonna leave it all out there to dry
I'm gonna leave it all out there
I'm gonna leave it all out there to dry up
I'm gonna leave it all out thereBut you worry me
You worry me...

11. - Still Out There Running

A love song that seems to ask if their own time for love has ended and that it's time for one great relationship to go the way as others have.  Slow and steady, the song still seems to have touches of hope within it.  That at the end maybe it doesn't have to be the way it seems.

Yeah baby, we could set the whole thing on fire
I was the king of standing alone
Looking back to see how far you've flown
I ain't grown and I ain't changed at all

Yeah honey, you could say I'm afraid
Afraid my voice don't even sound the same
There's some pitch I can't even hear at all
Push my voice now to hear it stall
I'm choking on every word

Yeah maybe, we could find a place to stretch our wings
Rest upon cliffs overlooking scenes
Scenes we don't write and we don't fall between
Ah, we're just falling again

Wake me up, see the fire has fully surrounded us
Hey I know, as I'm coughing up all the ashes
Of the friends and the love I used to know
It's still out there running

Yeah baby, we could set the whole thing ablaze
Watch the crowd's eyes open amazed
They're just standing in the smoke of the dead
Hear them whispering their stories, man
It'll never change the time they're gone

Hey honey, you think that I'm a fool to be
So deep in it now that I can't see
I just wait for you to call my name
Ain't it always been the same?
We just keep passing on the wrong time

Yeah maybe, maybe we'll go to the other side of town
Remember that old house, baby we ran down
The nights on the floor were so perfect then
Remember when the sun was coming up that red
And the fire in our bed

Yeah baby, we could set the whole thing on fire
I was the king of standing alone
Looking back to see how far you've flown
I ain't grown and I ain't changed at all
Looking down to see how far you've fallen

Wake me up, see the fire has fully surrounded us
Hey, I know as I'm choking upon the ashes
Of the friends and the love I used to know
I used to know back then
 
12. - Tearing At The Seams

This song, being the Title Track, gives some additional weight to this 5 minute expression of sound.  While it could potentially be a political protest song, I choose to interpret it more as though he's generally tired of the lies of the world.  The idea that the world is tearing itself apart at the seams fighting each other.  But in the end he feels that his cause is just and that he's not going to stop standing up for it.

Well, did you think that I would break
Underneath the pressure in here?

Now the heart if not to feel
Is a wandering waste in the driest land
Now from these heights of this hills
There's a funny thing that no one else can see

There's a liar, a liar on the stage
With a young child's eyes
And it happens all wrong and only
Half of it's seen from here

Where has all the time gone?
In separate ways it runs long
A hundred miles built upon us
It's tearing at the seams of all that's been
Tearing at the seams of all that's been

Wait, is this a game
Or am I walking into a snare?
Now these lies will spread
Until we're choking on the innocent

They have half of us tied and
Half of us in chains
We're all covering our eyes and
Covering our mouths just the same

Where has the time gone?
In separate ways it runs long
A hundred miles built upon us
It's tearing at the seams of all that's been
Tearing at the seams of all that's been
It's tearing at the seams of all that's been

They're gonna have to drag us away

13. - I'll Be Damned


This to me is a song about being single and that while he pretends to be over the past, he still holds this grudge, damning himself to feeling forever lonely.

We were staying home to get away
Trying to loose the hold but it's still too late
Don't sigh on me, don't size me up at all

We were backing off with a bellyache
You can sit in a hole, you can save your belief
I'm in awe, I'm forgetting everything

Well don't corner me, you've got nerve to be
Got dirt on you for feeling such a foolish thing

See it's good to be out and alone in the world
Cause nobody cares, and they never did anyways

You can pack that notion any day
You can block my face, you can bury me
I'm one and all
I'm wide on every side

We were spending in, we were on a date
You were giving me hell, or so you think
I'm barreling in, I'm barely here at all

You think it's a funny thing
You think it's sex all day
God damn you, god damn you
It's got hold of me, or at least a key
It don't bother me, it don't bother me

See it's good to be out and alone in the world
Cause nobody cares, and they never did anyways

14. - Boiled Over

I'll be honest I don't have any clue what Ratecliff is singing about here.  I just know he seems a bit happy and sad at the same time.  Like he's stoned and wanted to celebrate ending the album but knew that it wasn't probably going to be thought of like his last one that was full of a bit more pep.

A story of peas

Gerald looked blankly at his peas.  The color so benignly green that he couldn't exactly call them anything but average.  And honestly as peas went, those were the worst kind.  Not good enough that you could talk exuberantly about them, not bad enough that you could complain.  They just sat there, lightly salted, and completely unimportant.

Gerald was on a dinner date with a woman he met using a smart phone app, who at first seemed pleasant, educated and of reasonable health, but talked about what everyone else seemed to be talking about.  The sports teams, the politicians, the weather, and whatever television show was popular at the time. 

They had agreed on an French restaurant whose red curtains, decorated chandeliers and lanterns made it feel as though a customer were being transported to theme's of a world long past.  As though they were out of place in time.

There sure as shit wasn't going to be a discussion about pea's and Gerald found the thought dissappointing.

"So what do you do, exactly?" 

"I tell people what they want to hear"

"If that were true, then you would have replied 'Doctor'" She said with a grin

Gerald moved the pea's around.

"You don't want me to say Doctor"

"Oh really?"

"No, you'd be intimidated if I had said I was a Doctor.  You think you want to meet a doctor, but when push comes to shove meeting those people would cause stress.  You'd become tense, and potentially drink and eat at a much faster pace than you'd initially do if you weren't. 

"Well I hardly think that I wanted to hear all of that."

"Of course.  There are limits.  Don't worry about it.  Did you try the peas?"

The woman took a bite with a look that looked of confusion and contentment.  He was after all right.  She had never felt comfortable with those she perceived as beyond her own social status.  She always felt like she wanted to belong, but never could.


"Hey, Did you see the championship match at all?"

She had and it made her feel surprisingly at ease.  It was a simple party she had been to.  She talked about the food she ate, the drinks, the games, the one joke that was told that had the party laughing as though nothing that funny had happened in years. 

Gerald rolled the peas around.

"Let me ask you something dear, do you know why we like to talk about these memories?  These thing's?  It's because we think we KNOW what's happened to ourselves.  We understand at the very least our own reality.  And that reality, we want to think is unique.  That it's exciting to be who we are, or at the very least it's enjoyable."

"Are you saying that it isn't?"

"What did you think of your peas?"

She stared blankly at him.

Gerald sighed, and ate his peas.

Start and Stop - A Battle With Writer's Block.

How does the brain open and shut like that?  In one moment you sit melancholy or depressed, the next the synapses fire, and all of a sudden, you feel alive.  You come from a clouded space, one full of noise and angst only to later be filled so fully in the spirit of creation.  You don't care about the typos, you don't care if it all makes sense, but you type as fast as you can to make something new.

The formatting might be wrong.  There might be a wrong version of "too or to," but in the end, you erase the feeling of being incapable.  If even for five minutes in a day, you feel you can create anything that your mind wants.  Cheeseburgers in outer space?  A kitten with the ability to speak?  The possibilities are only limited by your own imagination.

But sometimes when I begin to write, or after writing for a while, the synapses seem to close; they seem to dull, and all of a sudden, I'm writing slower than when I started, and I want to go back, re-write it all and delete everything. 

That feeling makes me feel sick.

So I try to push on, writing about whatever it is I thought I first had an inspiration for, trying to push something out that I feel will validate me.  Something that'll showcase my talent for writing as well as hopefully something that's worth reading.

Often times the things that I've written are simply saved as drafts in this very blog.  Unfinished started and stopped works that I had an initial inspiration for but one reason or another stopped before completion.

So what it seems I might be at war with now, is my own apathy.  My own ability to have a streaming consciousness put onto the page and have it make sense.

And what if it doesn't?


Or if it's not funny, or not dramatic enough? 

I have to take solace that at least I had the courage to put my thoughts to paper, to attempt to try and create a sense of permanence to the idea of creation.  And even if the stories are muddled with mistakes, of which I'm sure I make plenty of, I still fought for a life that is defined by the actions I wanted to take and create. 

The other part is to keep writing as often as possible.  To keep to the routine and not move so arbitrarily; writing something one day and nothing the next. 

I'm not paid to write, I do it as a hobby and to keep that hope alive that one day maybe I could work for a living with maybe a magazine or some other media outlet.

Of course for that to work, you need to be worth reading and produce copious amount of material.  Something that I'm currently lacking.

Still, I feel the need to keep plugging away, in a sense, because I like it. 

Even now, as I think of this particular piece as a somewhat cliche "'Struggling to write,' writes writer," it makes me feel alive in a way that not writing makes me feel lost.  It's kind of like how when an athlete stops exercising.  You begin to feel a little bit down, until you pick yourself back up and do it again.

Maybe that's what this is.  That feeling of getting back into the swing of things, and becoming the person I always intended to be.